Autonomy in relationships:
In short, autonomy in relationships can be seen as emotional independence.
This is a concept many are unaware of. Even outside of romantic relationships, we live in a world where so many people remain co-dependent. Be it on the government, income or lack there of, etc. Either way we cannot control it all. So, lets start at the personal-emotional level, where relationships often act as mirrors to our internal and external worlds. There is alot of wisdom to unpack here.
This is the 5th Blog in this series all about conscious relationships.
- Read blog 1 here: Conscious relationships.
This dives deeply into what makes a conscious relationships, how you can build one and what that means for you.
- Read blog 2 here: Radical Responsibility. Where we will investigate what being radically responsible can look like, minimizing the blame game we all like to play within our relationships.
- Read blog 3 here: Growth mindset. We will unpack what a growth mindset is and how it can change your entire reality.
- Read blog 4 here: Presence and Appreciation. In this blog we will process how appreciation and presence is linked to our childhoods, awareness and growth. All-while noting the impact this has on our bonds and connections to others.
- Wanting to cultivate more self-love into your life? i invite you to do my private 1-on-1 coaching course, A journey to self-love- A 7 week guide to unlocking your true self-compassion. Developed to bring you home, to that warm place within, helping to cultivate more conscious, authentic relationships in your life.
How does autonomy and relationships go together in society?
When people get into “official” romantic relationships, a shift in perceptions often occurs. Now this shift may not always be intentional, nor may it be something you’re aware of. This can happen because of societal expectations or conditioning, lack of self-awareness or fears and traumas. What happens is that the individuals may feel personally transformed when entering a relationship. This is natural, as at the beginning stages we are often appreciated alot. Processing my blog on Presence and Appreciation we now understand how and why this transformation occurs. However, as a result, and due to unprocessed emotions, people will change their natural behaviour to be a curated performance.Meaning that we react to the emotion, instead of listening to it. A common experience in life, yet another example of how relationships are a reflector of our worlds.
Why do we do this ?
Well society has many pressures, as well as praises towards couples. This can be a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing in the sense that both having a partner can enhance your life in many ways, security, support and being loved by someone you love are all benefits. However, the burden of expectations—both the internal and external pressures—can make couples feel trapped at times. This forces them to behave in uncertain ways, possibly not as they truly are, but more of what they think is expected of them. Leaving those who feel trapped feeling despair, destructive or even to the point where they may mourn the loss of their autonomy.
The weight of this is due to the subtle awareness of the responsibility needed in a relationship. You’re now needing to check-in and be aware of an entire other person. Where for the most part, most of us don’t even check-in with ourselves as often. This is the unmindful side of relationships. It’s the unprocessed emotions of what actually needs to happen in this space. Instead of bring-in awareness to the shifts, we tend to fall into relationships blindly. All because someone made us feel good perhaps. Now you’re going to date / marry them forever ?
No. You need to make you feel good, then come together with someone in a joint conscious mission. This awareness has the power to heal and bring true transformation. Not a forced one.
Autonomy vs Fear:
Today, people value and fight for their autonomy more than ever. We halt at any perceived threat, we are hyper aware of our human rights and challenge anything that stops us from dreaming. While we do all deserve to live life on our own terms. Things can go terribly wrong when we confuse autonomy for conditioned fear.
Our conditioned fear, is the fear response to specific stimulus within a given context (i.e., the contextual stimuli). Conditioned fear provides a critical survival function, which triggers a range of defensive behaviours and emotions, that protect us against potentially dangerous environmental threats.
– In other words, trauma, insecurities, stress, anxiety, distress and pain are things that we build a defense to,. Over time and through generations, we’re programmed to know that these things should be avoided. This is a wonderful automatic process that occurs. However, when unprocessed we build walls in our lives. Our relationships feel these walls first. Why ? Because our close relationships directly link to these fears. Without working through your “stuff”, these fears will govern the context and depth of your connections.
According to the Michael S. Fanselow, Trends in Neurosciences;
“Presently, when psychologists speak of fear they are referring to a motivational system that organizes an animal’s responding at many different levels (e.g. overt behavior, autonomic functioning, etc.) so that it is co-ordinated toward the function of protecting the animal from environmental threats, more particularly, predation. Thus, fear can be considered as activation of a defensive motivational system.”
Here relationships can act as mirrors to this fear and amplify it. For example, one should never have to fear the loss of autonomy in relationships, but rather reflect on the shifts that comes, with openness and understanding. To then mindfully act and not react by jumping into or out of a relationship.
- Want to know more about me as your potential coach? CLICK HERE.
Losing balance
Autonomy is the freedom of self-determination. If this is pushed within a relationship, without proper understanding, one loses balance in life. For example, too often we will overemphasize the protection of personal space. This fight for autonomy, due to fear can turn into self-isolation and sabotage. This goes way beyond the psychical. It is essentially cutting yourself off from yourself.
This can take the form of:
- Spiritual denial or practicing through dogmatic misunderstandings.
- No emotional management, while having maladaptive responses to situations, eg. blame shifting or manipulation.
- Physically isolating ones self from the things they enjoy or physically judging and limiting others from being themselves too.
- Mentally stunting your growth by not paying awareness to yourself and deny any new information that may challenge your current narrative.
How to know if you are lacking emotional independence, while misinterpreting your autonomy?
For example, when you’re stressed out, instead of exercising autonomy to achieve actualization or happiness, people can end up in a self-imposed alienation.
When we lack mindful understanding. We unintentionally self-sabotage as an automatic behavioural response, all due to not fully processing the expectations and pressures around us.
This is the same for relationships. Being unmindful of what you’re stepping into due to conditioning, is being in this isolated position. Where one may now feel that they may change and “lose themselves”.
Falling the other way
On the flip side, this can also turn into or start as a trauma bond. Where we are now dependent on that other person for our happiness and every need.
This is that same fear response. Fear of your own self-acceptance, fear of losing someone, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment, etc all leads to survival in your primal self. The links are endless.
However, at the personal level it is still unprocessed emotional understanding. Until we process our own autonomy we will never be able to show up as an authentic self in a relationship dynamic. Maybe to a point yes, but not truly.
It isn’t your fault that society has programmed us to behave in this way. However, it is your radical responsibility to become aware of yourself in-order to transcend and break the generational-societal cycle.
“None of this is a bad thing necessarily. I am just creating awareness. So that you may build meaningful, mindful connections with yourself and those around you. Something that can transform the projection of your life.”
However, if you find yourself unable to move forward because your partner doesn’t understand your needs or won’t meet them. Find ways to meet them yourself. We must fill our own cup up first and then co-create with another. Mindful understanding allows us to live more intentionally.
This goes back to the co-dependent nature of the system we find ourselves.
We need to break the inherited co-dependency cycle to live a more sustainable, authentic balance life. Authentic relationships are the same. We must peal back the layers to understand what lies beneath. Take note of the conditioning and expectations at play, be honest with yourself to see if this is authentically something you can maintain.
Conscious relationships take work! Are you willing to do that work with this individual or individual’s? Have you done that check in? If not, now is the time. – The allowing of each individual to intentionally come together is vital for this balance to be in the connection.
- To better understand how we are the manufacturers of our own realities, read my blog: – “How we are constantly creating our realities ?? Realities fueled by our emotions and perceptions”.
(Here I take you on a journey diving deeper into understanding emotional regulation, to see how important it is to our well-being.)
Be you!
Combating emotional dependence isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Breaking patterns can be challenging, setting boundaries, doing solo activities, and seeing professional help are all strategies that will help you gain and maintain autonomy in your relationships.
But here are some tips from a Holistic Professional.
- Spend time investigating who you are in relation to and separate from the relationship.
- Maintain your positive social circles and support systems.
- Set up personal, as well as quality relationship date times.
- Respect and integrate each others boundaries.
- Practice self-care and positive self-soothing techniques.
- Learn to show up for yourself and another person. (Practice giving and receiving)
-With gratitude, Demi-Gea x (For a deeper guide on the path of conscious relationships contact me to set up a partner session.)
PS – If you are needing any guidance within your growth and healing journey, I offer 20 minute free discovery calls. These calls are here for your support.
- Unsure if Holistic Life Coaching is for you ??
- Needing spiritual / mental guidance through lifes obstacles ??
- or just wanting to deepen your awareness and connection to yourself ?
CONTACT ME !!- I am one email, call, whatsapp or video chat away. – You deserve the life you dream about.
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