Boundaries based in self-love; and not bitterness.
Do you know the difference between when you are setting a boundary and when you are operating out of sheer bitterness?
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In this blog we will explore why boundaries almost always turn bitter. An issue experienced by my clients, as well as, myself.
What are boundaries?
Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being. Something many of us lack in day to day living.
Boundaries can be mental, physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between.
Self-esteem:
Your level of self-esteem and the boundaries you set for yourself are very closely related. Generally, the higher your self-esteem, the more well-defined your boundaries are.
“Establishing personal boundaries reflects the way you take responsibility for your life.” You define how you are going to be treated and how you are going to react. Of course, we can’t control every situation in our lives, but in many personal interactions, we have the ability to state, by word or deed, that certain behaviours by others will or will not be tolerated.
Although it may seem counter-intuitive to some, good boundaries are not limiting. They don’t restrict your ability to fully interact with others in ways that fully respect you as a wholly-developed person.
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Why bitterness ?
What I have discovered is that we often lack the understanding that boundaries are used in the name of self-love/care and shouldn’t be used for creating blocks, or brick walls in our lives.
This happens because we either fail to correctly communicate our boundaries, or we create boundaries only when something has essentially ‘gone wrong’. – In turn, this creates a negative feedback loop that demonizes the individual making the mistake instead of creating awareness of what went wrong in the first place.
Yes, not everyone intends to push our boundaries, but either way when someone does, it can create strong feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, anxiety, or fear. – Hence why we build a wall. Its all for our safety.
“When you lose perspective, you look at life through a narrow tube. You hone in on small details as though they were all that mattered. You lose objectivity and begin to identify with whats happening to you.
It isn’t always what happens to you that matters, but rather how you deal with what happens.” – Demi-Gea x
The confusion of boundaries:
Whats unfortunate is that, very few individuals seem to understand the distinction between boundaries and bitterness. – As what I see with my clients is, that more times than not, what is called a ‘boundary’ is the direct result of something that made them, well, bitter.
WHY? Well my last intention is to harm anyone with the care I need for myself. But.. it still finds a way to turn into bitterness.
As a result of this behaviour, when we eventually set our own boundaries, ones purely out of loving awareness and understanding of our needs. Society, our friends and family will almost inherently take it as a negative towards them. As if me setting my boundaries is a indicator of how we care about them.
THIS IS SOOO WRONG !! Setting boundaries is how we care for OURSELVES !! – This is why so many of us get discouraged when setting boundaries.
Defending boundaries:
“WHY do it” ?? A client has asked. Well my last intention is to harm anyone with the care I need for myself. despite my good intentions it still finds a way to turn into bitterness.
This is because those people aren’t caring for themselves correctly and its why your loving Boundaries triggers them. Although this process may be more unconscious – An auto-piloted thing. It is still a real struggle in our daily lives.
How can we over come the bitterness?
The cosmic joke here is, that if we all cared for ourselves first. Filling up our own cups, we wouldn’t feel threatened by another personas self decisions. Meaning, we wouldn’t personalize them.
Remember: Everything you experience starts within you.
With this in mind I call you to care for yourself as hard as you can. Fill your cup up and if people leave in the process, well, that just means they aren’t open to your abundance. This is because they aren’t ready for their own abundance.
The ones that respect your boundaries are the ones who deserve the overflow of your self loving. – Lets say that again for the people at the back !!
Has this situation ever happened to you? How do you deal with it mindfully? Comment below and lets chat– For me I just self-love even more. Because at the end of the day all I can control is me. 
With gratitude, Demi-Gea 
- Wanting to cultivate more self-love into your life? i invite you to do my private 1-on-1 coaching course, A journey to self-love- A 7 week guide to unlocking your true self-compassion. Developed to bring you home, to that warm place within.
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