Presence and appreciation:

In this blog we will process how appreciation and presence is linked to our childhoods, awareness and growth. All-while noting the impact this has on our bonds and connections to others.

This is the 4th Blog in this series all about conscious relationships.

How important is being present and appreciative in life?

Throughout my work with children, I have noted that they need the exact same healing approach as adults. Something adult’s often don’t think about.  Somehow we think we are above the children around us. Often this isn’t the case, rather that on many levels we are the same as them.

For some context; I work with many children facilitating healing play sessions. I assist them in regulating their emotions, bridging the gap of understanding to sudden life adjustments, while healing traumas and family dynamics, through individual processing.

A break through moment with all the kids I work with, is when they finally integrate that they are enough, just as they are. That they are enough beyond the circumstances they find themselves in. It done through insightful self-development techniques I’ve developed to facilitated healing and process deeper emotions. Essentially developing a deeper sense of self-love and awareness. A mindful sustainable state that can be continuously cultivated through habits. Habits that bring about our liberated selves.

The methods I use for this opening is my 4 A’s process (not order specific);

  • Affirmation
  • Acknowledgement
  • Appreciation
  • Acceptance

I have found that this same method works with my adult clients just as well. Once all A’s have been covered my clients tend to open up into deeper vulnerability. A barrier that can often be hard to climb as a healer. The similarity in each individual’s response, no matter the age, shows me that within us we all have a deep need to be acknowledged, appreciated, affirmed and accepted. These are basic human emotional needs.

The reason many of us are still stuck in the reactive child state, is because we have so much unprocessed healing stunting our deeper awareness. Understanding this we can see how summing this up into presence and appreciation can do the 4 A’s justice, as they can be clustered into a check-list of needs.

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How does this basic human need benefit my relationship?

Well, two inspiring teachers on relationships are Steven and Ondrea Levine, who devoted their lives to teaching and living as examples of love.  Here is what they have to say about conscious relationship:

“A conscious relationship teaches us to treat ourselves and others as our only child.  And to do it mindfully.  It does not break the heart. A conscious relationship is as healing and life-affirming as an unconscious, old-style relationship is at times harmful and life-denying. The harmful effect of an unconscious relationship is that it keeps us so small, dependent on external circumstances for our happiness. More needs than gifts are brought to such an entanglement. But a conscious relationship offers the possibility of relating across the gulf of I and other all the way into the heart of our beloved.  A conscious relationship allows us to remain conscious while in relationship.  It’s a whole new ball game.”  (Embracing the Beloved, Stephen and Ondrea Levine)

Presence and appreciation has the power to develop us in magical ways. Understanding our child space helps us access what the need is. Once you’ve processed your own inner space, you can now treat your relationship as this same child. Expanding your awareness to more than yourself.

When we are appreciated within any relationship, we tend to have more enthusiasm for the connection. Much like how a child will respond to positive reinforcement. This in turn builds up a willingness to want to do more for the sake of that relationship. Meaning for the sake of a safer, healthier space from which you can continue to grow in. I have seen how people grow in vulnerability through our appreciation of them. If you had to think about it… this is probably true for you too.

Relationships tend to take a quantum leap when each person in the connection practices appreciation of the other.  This conscious and intentional act, not only bonds us to that person, but also creates a space of emotional safety for the other person to reciprocate a loving bond back to us.

Partners Empower Each Other

Understanding these fundamental human need for acknowledgement and appraisal, we can see how actively practicing this can uplift your partner, friend or family member. This positive reinforcement is what we seek out as children and its something we will continue to do well into old age.

We all have an inner child that resides within us. This inner child is where these basic human needs develop from. Childhood is also the space where we develop our love languages and attachment styles.  These developmental areas directly links to how we love or receive love as an adults. So knowing this about yourself and your partner can further  uplift and empowerment the relationship. Creating a sanctuary of trust.

Why do we seek out positive reinforcements?

This ties into another basic human need, the need for belonging. See, when we are affirmed and acknowledged in our environment, we feel more present and secure. This sense of security builds the narrative that, “I do belong here”. This is a primitive survival mode we all carry. Since we are social beings, it is far safer for us to live within groups than it is to live isolated and vulnerable. So it makes sense that when we are encouraged and affirmed, we tend to feel more present, confident and you guessed it, empowered!

This is when we hear things like, “with you by my side I feel like I can do anything”, or “when I’m with you, I feel on top of the world”. These are proud statements rooted in feeling belonging and worthy. Showing how intentionally affirming and mindfully being present within your relationships can help to build better bonds.

(Here I take you on a journey diving deeper into understanding emotional regulation, to see how important it is to our well-being.)

Consequences of Lack of Appreciation

In relationships, problems erupt all the time, but especially so when we begin to take our partners for granted. These problems appear in the form of resentment, frustration, and arguments. All of a sudden, we wonder if we’re truly in the right relationships and maybe we deserve better. Ever had this narrative in your head?

This is especially true for couples who have been together for a long time. WHY?? Well, over time just like with any other pattern or habit , if left unattended to we can become unmindful within the relationship.  We end up just going through the motions and tend to feel  like our partners are in our way or the lose interest and find them boring or undesirable.

Here’s an example: Lets say you usually cook all the meals within your dynamic. Over time, your partner doesn’t say thank you or even acknowledge the fact that you always make the meals. In turn, you begin to resent making meals all together and start to feel that your partner isn’t doing enough for you. So, you may argue with them and say, “for once could you make the food ??”. To which your partner responds, “I am doing so much of X, Y and Z. I don’t see you helping me there.”

Do you see how this is rooted in unmindful resentment built over time, due to the fact that neither partner is present or appreciates the other?

What would a more mindful approach look like?

Practicing presence you would acknowledge that you and your partner have split duties, which was never the issue. Practicing appreciation you would feel valued for the input you give and therefore wont pick your partner apart or search for lacking. We do these things when we don’t feel affirmed and secure within our dynamics. This can lie within a deeper trauma of abandonment or feelings from childhood, so its important to do self work before approaching things.

However, using the mindful approach, lets say you were overwhelmed or tired of continuously making the meals. What can you do then?

You would need to set time aside to communicate with your partner. Then see where you can compromise on other things. This honest and mindful discussion will connect you into a space of vulnerability. Your partner and you will come to an agreement  to make a change in your schedules to handle this duty going forward.

Taking this mindful action shows your partner that it isn’t an irrational response, but rather a need. This is of course a balancing act. One that cannot be done in isolation or from an egoistic standpoint.

This is why it’s so important to make a habit out of appreciating your partner for everything they do. Even small tasks make a big difference in the grand scheme of things. The more frequently you thank your partner for what they do, the better you’ll both feel about holding space for the difficult things .

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Signs Your Partner Isn’t Feeling Appreciated

  • They’ll argue about little things.
  • They may be more silent than usual.
  • They might make plans without checking in first.
  • They may not try to be intimate with you anymore.
  • They might be more closed off to open communication.
  • They may begin to be more emotionally closed off.
  • They may no longer seek your opinion or want your input.
  • They may become more distant, etc.

Presence and appreciation is twofold, involving both time and focus.

As far as time goes, you’ll either learn to accept your loved one’s behavior over time or you’ll become more frustrated with it over time. What you end up doing is all based on your outlook.

Acceptance stems from your realization that things probably won’t change over time. As a result, you learn to accept things the way they are. This helps you to accept your partner for how they truly are — flaws and all — and not for the narrative you hold over them. This deep loving awareness cultivates more presence and appreciation. ANOTHER FULL CIRCLE <3.

In fact, you might discover that what was once an irritating habit, might actually carry some value. As all your actions, reactions and adaptions stem from your own self-awareness and development. Which results in the perceptions you hold about yourself and the world around you.

Its always important to reintegrate that, just as you must be present and appreciate your partner. You need to be present and appreciate yourself first! You cannot expect your partner to fulfill your expectations and needs, if you haven’t mindfully been loving and caring for yourself in that same way first.

REMEMBER IT ALL STARTS WITHIN.

– with gratitude, Demi-Gea x

PS – If you are needing any guidance within your growth and healing journey, i offer 20 minute free discovery calls. These calls are here for your support.

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